In the summer after my 33rd Ice time, when I was just a whippersnapper, I first met the Big No Furries.

It was on one of those hazy late summer afternoons. I was all the way across the lake, out in the deepest section, right before the big ol boulders on shore.

Life was good, I’d not a care in all Gawd’s blue waters. I floated idly along, riding an eddy or two when all of a sudden:

“Thunk, thunk…”

Something had slapped me upside the head like Mama had caught me stealin minnows from the ol Snake neck.

I quickly flipped up and to my surprise: there were two ungainly furries glaring at me while floating on a log.

My jaw dropped in utter surprise: what in the heckin was dis? I thought.

The one Furrie closest, wielded an oak frond which he beat the water with. The strangest thing was that these furries had no fur, excepting on the tippy top of their little heads!

My alarm was somewhat quieted by the realization that in their upright position even a little eddy would send em a tumbling.

And so I gave em the splash, fully expecting em to plunge into the eddies face first, but alas, they seemed not even a little perturbed!

At this, I thought it best to make a swift exit, not much caring for the rather unusual manner in which these furries were licking their lips.

And so I dove off. I thought first to check with ol Father Deep, as he was the wisest of the Shelled Folk, and had seen more life than any of us.

Word on the eddies was that Father Deep was so old he’d even been around back in the Big Ice Time. Though that was mostly hearsay, it was hard to discount it with all the things he knew’d about.

Getting to him, weren’t exactly easy: living true to his moniker, he was always aways, ways down…….. and it was quite hard to see down there.

Finding him was even further complicated by the fact that he never moved no moar.

Year by year, he seemed to become more and more akin to the mud and brambles of his little alcove. There was a trick though to getting his attention…. although sometimes using that method was followed by a prompt drubbing.

What you had to do was grab a hold of his little snare tongue and give it a good pinch.

Figuring it was worth the while, I sat still for a bit until I saw it: just this little pink wormy thing wriggling out of some big ol hole there.

And so I swam up and gave it a little pinch…

After no small amount of time had elapsed, a low and ponderous whisper of a voice spoke from the mud bank:

“Anddddddd whhhhoooooo iisss ittt, that awakkenssss myy slumberrrrrrrrrrr…….?”

“Hey Big Daddy, it’s Snap, how’s it shakin down here,” I answered.

And after some more time…….. the reply:
 

“Ohhhhhhhh, itttsss just you, Snappppp…. Beeen a while………. what bringsss you alll the way down here?”

“Well, I’m in need of your sagacious knowledge is all, you see just right now when I was sunbathing I got’s slapped upside the head by the most unusual of furries, and I’s wondering if you’d ever come across one of dem in your travels.

You see, the odd thing about this pair of furries is that they had no furs, excepting on the tops of their little brown heads. On top of all this they was floating on a log most unusual like, skimming like a big old water skimmer.”

There was a pause for quite sometime………. and then:

“YOU GOSH DARNED WHIPPISNAPPERS GOT THE NERVE TO COME DOWN HERE WITH YOUR TALL TAILS AND YOUR EMPTY SNAIL SHELLS.

WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?!?!?!?!?

BIG NO FURRIES!!!! WHAT WILL THEY THINK OF NEXT…

I’VE HALF A MIND TO SLAP YOU SO HARD YOU’LL WAKE UP IN THE NEXT BIG ICE TIME,

GET GONE WITH YOU, YOU LITTLE RAPSCALLION.”

There was really no need for that last bit as the eddies of this gesticulation alone expunged me to the surface without so much as a splash.

My curio not quite quenched though, I thought it best to seek out the Mother.

I splashed over to the submerged log to see if Remmy or Yellow Belly had seen her, but they weren’t there. So I climbed up to the tip top of the log to get a good gandering. It took me a minute but after a whiles I spotted her ol mossy broadsides glimmering in the sun.

Mother was the yin to Father Deep’s yang: she couldn’t never stay put for long. She’d always be floating along in them eddies, a veritable Island. Like the ol legends say upholds the whole world.

I splashed over her way and skimmied on up the side, past the tree and a little group a loud honkers sittin all cosy like in her mossy beds.

It took me a moment to get my bearings, but afore long I found her head poking out a little above the eddies. She turned around,

“Well hullo Snap, whatya been up to? Come to visit Mama? Lemme fix you up some minnow sandwich’s, why don’t ya. “

“Oh, that sounds, absolutely fantastic Mama, I’m right starved and ain’t ate since yesterday morn.”

Her claws flashed out and went a rummaging through one of dem gourds she keeps on her big ol shell. Before long, the sandwiches, presented themselves: minnows on crappies with little web foot egg sauce. I took a big ol bite and went to em ravenously.

“So what’s on your mind Snap? You got a furitive look about you.” I swallowed a few more bites afore answering:

“Mama you ever seen a creature round these parts that’s like a Big No Furry? Walks on two legs, got two big gangly arms and a little furry fur on top, but like a shiny crappy on the outside otherwise?” Mama’s eyes went up and around for a sec and then she replied:

“Oh yes, you mean the two legs, they come all the time and take little nippy naps right on ol Mama…… Don’t suppose they even know I’m here, judging by the sight of things.”

“Well what is they Mama?”

“They’re new around here but you best be careful with them Snap, once about a week ago I saw something that really raised my eyebrow bout them. I’s over by the falling water that never ends, and I espied em sitting about in a big ol group having a little picnic seemed like. Most peculiar was they kept throwing little logs in a mini fiery fire like the one’s the sky flashes make.

But that weren’t the half of it…

You see, I watched em for a good long time, all through the night as they huddled around that little fiery fire and in the morning a Big Furry No Tail came upon em and it was most peculiar. He stood up and got one look at them and ran like the dickens. I figure if he had a tail it’d been between his legs just like the little red furry be doin when he come around.”

Now that was most peculiar. Big Furry No Tail didn’t play none.

Quite the opposite really: everyone knew he had claws as big as Father deep’s, a hide that even the sharpest beak couldn’t penetrate and big ol nasty fangs that’d cut right through a shelled one like a beak through whisker fish.

“Mama, he must’ve just remembered where he put the pointy stick head carcass or something, Big Furry No Tail ain’t fraid nobody on Gawd’s blue earth.”

“I saws what I saw, little Snap, I’m tellin you. Whatever they’s is they not to trifled with none.” I pondered this for a moment, then said:

“Well look at the big yellow circle… I think it’s about time I went splash and found my cozy cozy afore black and little white shinies time. Thanks Mama for the minnow sandwiches, they certainly were swell.” Mama gave me an appraising look then turned away,

“Take care of yourself Snap, an don’t be going anywhere nears them Two legs if you see em.”

And so I splashed off and made fast eddies over to where my cozy cozy was but afore I’d even got there I’d made up my mind to go over to the water that falls but never ends and do a little peeping. Chances were the Big No Furries weren’t even there anyhows, so what was the big deal?

A few splashes later I got close and dove down and come up right where the water comes down. Just to give me a little more cover to spy on em from.

Sure enough, there was the little fiery fire that Mama mentioned and around it a whole group of them Big No Furries, in some kinda big revelry. They was passing a gourd around and drinking from it, and then making noises like the Loud honkers do and getting red as the little red furry.

After a while I noticed something strange: There was Remmy, Yellow-belly and Sharp-back right in the middle of em,  but turned over like they were doing the flip. This was most strange I thought. But I had to get a closer look, it could be they’s was stuck upside down. According to the 5th rule of the Shelled folk, if one came across a shelled folk all upside down it was his Gawd given duty to set his brother aright, else all hell and damnation were on his head.

And so I splashed closer, and closer, till I was just close enough to get a better look.

Wish to Gawd I hadn’t though….

The horror of it was almost unbearable:

Remmy, Yellow-Belly and Sharp-back weren’t stuck. They’d been fashioned into Shelled folk Soup containers! The Big No Furries was dancing around em, dippin in their gourds and taking big ol sips of my pals insides!

The Horror!

I’d never splashed outta some place so fast in my life!